What To Do When No One Checks In On You and You Feel Alone
- Teresairis Gonzalez
- Jul 19, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 22
It's truly challenging when you come to the realization that you're the person nobody checks in on. Typically, this occurs when you're perceived as the "strong" one in your relationships. People often assume you have everything under control because, from their perspective, there’s no apparent chaos. If there's no visible chaos, then it seems like you have no problems, so they feel there's no need to be concerned about you...right?
Do you consider yourself a listener, a fixer, or perhaps both? If you're going through this post, chances are high that you're someone whom others turn to when they're facing distress or need help with a problem. Typically, people seek you out because you have something to offer that can help them in one way or another.
Realizing that people don't check in on you as frequently as you'd hope can be emotionally draining. It's distressing and bleak. You feel isolated. And it's tough.
When you notice that no one is checking in on you, recognize your feelings of loneliness.
Start by assessing your own emotional state before expecting others to reach out.
Manage your disappointment when people don't appear.
Understand your needs and express them clearly so others can assist. Sometimes, people aren't aware that you need support.
Dedicate your energy and time to those who are attentive when you're most vulnerable. Not everyone can provide support, so identify who these individuals are and seek them out based on the circumstances you face.
Recognizing When You're Feeling Lonely or Alone
Desiring someone to check in on you typically indicates a need for support. This might be due to having a lot happening in your life, leading to an imbalance. It could also stem from feelings of disconnection or living in challenging conditions without an outlet.
No matter the reason, the desire to be cared for exists. Being social creatures, we require an emotional bond. Recognizing that you need someone in your life indicates a need for that support.
Inner Emotional Support Starts With You
The issue with emotional support systems is the belief that we need to depend on others to improve our self-perception. Although having a robust emotional support network of friends and loved ones is crucial and highly advised, we often overlook the importance of beginning emotional support from within ourselves.
When you experience loneliness or solitude, consider this a signal to first perform a self-check-in before anticipating support from others. This is crucial because, as listeners and problem-solvers, we're accustomed to being supportive of others but often lack the skills to assist ourselves in times of need.
Self-Check-Ins Are Important
Knowing how you feel at the moment enables better planning for your needs. Self-check-ins help you pause and assess your emotional state.
A self-check-in can involve having a conversation with your inner self, either aloud or silently. Engaging in reflective journaling is another excellent exercise to boost your self-awareness regarding your emotional and mental state.
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Coping with Disappointment of No one Checking On You
During this process, it's quite common to feel resentment towards those from whom you expect the same level of attention and care that you offer. You may decide to stop contacting people around you to "test" them and see if they notice your absence. This often leads to the realization of receiving no calls, no texts, and finding solace in an abundance of loneliness quotes online.
Exercise caution. Consider whether you ever requested your peers to check in on you, or did you simply assume they would do so because you've chosen to play a supportive role in their lives?
Choice. Being the listener and fixer was a choice you made. It is very likely that no one asked you. And that's okay. It feels good to be someone else's support system. It feels good to make an impact in someone else's life.
But ask yourself, do your peers even know that you need this expectation from them? Have you explicitly communicated that to them? Or... are you giving them that expectation without them even knowing it?
It's certainly a humbling experience when you have to set aside your pride and accept that no one compelled you to be the listener or problem-solver. You chose this role yourself. Naturally, as social creatures, your peers who appreciate you...will accept it.
It's also a learning experience to realize that perhaps your need of them to show up for you in moments of "silence" was never communicated to them. Your peers cannot comfort you when they don't know that you need comfort. They simply don't know what they don't know.
Reflection and communication are essential when dealing with feelings of disappointment. It's often simpler to blame others instead of recognizing and accepting responsibility for not clearly communicating your needs and expectations in your relationships.
Before testing others or distancing yourself because they failed to notice your absence, consider if your peers are even aware. Express your needs and explain how they can help you. If they genuinely care, they will listen and strive to provide emotional support. Allow them the chance to succeed in their relationship with you before placing them in a situation where they are bound to fail unknowingly.
Remember that giving them the chance to learn how to support you involves some trial and error on their part, especially if they're not used to offering this type of support. Some loved ones may face internal difficulties in expressing their care. Additionally, effective communication is a skill that many people find challenging.
Again, you have the choice to work through this challenge as part of your agreement to be in a relationship with your peers.
Identify Your Needs and Communicate Them in Your Relationships
To establish an emotional support network and feel supported, it's important to determine exactly what you require from others.
Do you need a phone call or a text message?
Do you want to go out for brunch or have a drink?
Do you prefer someone to sit with you in silence?
Do you need a hug?
How frequently?
At what times?
How will they be informed?
Identify your needs are and communicate them in your relationships. You can't simply expect others to know what you want or need if you don't communicate. They can't read your mind. They're not magicians.
Clearly express your expectations and needs in every relationship. This is the way to start building a "give and receive" dynamic with your peers.
Invest Your Time And Energy to Those Who Listen
After you've identified and communicated clearly what you need from your relationships, pay attention.
Identify who paid attention to your needs and who did not. For those who didn't, understand the reasons behind their actions.
Was it intentional? Was there a miscommunication or a mismatch in expectations from your side?
Develop self-awareness and be prepared to manage your emotions before deciding to end relationships or establish boundaries. Understand the status of your relationships concerning your needs and emotional support.
This will give you clarity on how you should be investing your time and energy with others.
Dedicate Time and Energy in Genuine Intimacy
Dedicate your time and energy to those who are open to listening to you when you are most vulnerable. Although it is often the case that those who truly care for you might not realize you need their support, the truth is that only a few may be willing to invest in a truly intimate relationship with you.
In this context, intimacy does not refer to anything sexual or sensual. It involves your ability and willingness to be deeply vulnerable with someone else, where that person can meet your needs at any moment (and vice versa). Intimacy can be found in both romantic and platonic relationships.
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Create Boundaries When Needed and Tighten Your Circle
Not everyone is suited for you. If someone isn't providing the support you require, do you really need them in your life?
Can they be considered part of your emotional support network? Are they beneficial for a particular kind of check-in, or does everyone need to meet a universal expectation?
Know that people in your circle are all different. Emotional support comes in all sizes and energies. One person's energy may be appropriate for your emotional support on a specific occasion but another person might be it for another.
Know your peers and use them as resources appropriately. Not everyone is made to fit into a one-size fits all supportive role. Create healthy boundaries based on your emotional needs.
Identify who to approach for different situations in your life. If Lucy is the person who energizes you to be productive on a dreary day, and Jose is the one you talk to about your spiritual journey and questions like "what is my purpose?", don't expect Lucy to offer the same level of support that Jose can, given his strengths and interests. Lucy might not be able to relate and thus may not be able to support you during your spiritual awakening.
Create balance with your peers by strengthening your circle, considering their strengths in relation to your relationship with them and your personal needs.
And lastly...
Keep in mind that you are cherished, and Sprinkle of Care is available if you need assistance. We have faith in you and are here to support you at all times.
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