What To Do If You Feel Like A Failure
- Teresairis Gonzalez
- Jul 13, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Aug 22
Have you ever looked in the mirror and mentally told yourself that you're unhappy because you're not where you want to be?
Frustration can certainly destroy motivation and any hopes or dreams we have for ourselves. In these dark times, our minds focus on everything that could be better... but isn't. This leaves us with the bitter feeling of being stuck and unsure of how to move forward.
We are not alone in our personal struggles. Many of us swiftly recognize dissatisfaction in our careers, not fully enjoying life, not spending enough time with loved ones, not having our dream home, and so forth. In essence, not living a 'stress-free' life. And the list continues on and on.
This sensation is both contagious and debilitating. When we recognize that our lives do not meet our previous expectations, we find ourselves stuck in a state of hopelessness, even though we know that perfection cannot be achieved.
Often, the feeling of failure arises from being criticized, discouraged, or compared to others in the past, typically by family members or peers. Sometimes... we're our own biggest critic.
You might recognize some familiar situations, such as:
A dominant figure who often criticized you during your childhood, regularly undermining your confidence.
Being compared to someone highly successful and never quite reaching their level of achievement.
A lack of interest in your accomplishments or disbelief in your capabilities.
Feeling different from others due to cultural differences or having fewer resources.
If any of these situations sound familiar, you might be unintentionally putting yourself in circumstances where you revisit old emotional injuries.
To overcome the sensation of failure, it's important to recognize when you're restricting your opportunities, understand your desires, and ensure you don't undervalue yourself. Anxiety stemming from self-doubt can lead to limiting opportunities. Identify when procrastination serves as a way to avoid challenges. Clearly define what failure and success mean for each goal.
Recognize When You’re Avoiding An Opportunity
Often, we impose more restrictions on ourselves than life's difficulties do. Take a moment to reflect on how many times you were presented with an opportunity but dismissed it because it posed a challenge or you lacked confidence.
Why did you dismiss it? What was genuinely challenging about it?
When we reject an opportunity because gaining momentum seems difficult, it's simpler to avoid it or remain inactive. In our minds, doing nothing equates to not failing. But have you ever defined what failure truly means to you?
Stop hindering your own progress. The more you avoid tasks, the less likely you are to achieve your personal goals. This is a choice you are making with yourself.
Procrastination is a common form of avoidance I often encounter in daily life. It typically appears when we face a task that causes us significant stress, leading us to avoid it as a way to manage the stress. The downside is that we continue to think about the unfinished task, which increases our stress until we finally complete it.
Sometimes, we choose to minimize our true desires because it's less challenging than putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations.
Here are some problems with avoiding what you genuinely want to pursue:
It increases anxiety
It leads to more stress as you fail to accomplish tasks or make progress, leaving you feeling unsuccessful
You might inadvertently frustrate those who genuinely support you, potentially damaging your support network
Avoidance can become a harmful cycle, so it's beneficial to recognize when it's occurring in order to redirect yourself. Consider these important questions:
What do you truly desire for yourself?
Is your desire realistically achievable?
What fears are preventing you from pursuing it?
How do you perceive failure and success regarding this goal you are passionate about?
What Is It That You Want for Yourself?
When you’re thinking about what you truly want, this isn’t the moment to limit yourself. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself the opportunity to feel and want guiltlessly. If you’re the type to put others first before yourself, this first question can be very hard to answer.
Know that you are worth it. Stop limiting your desires and dreams when answering “What do I want?”
If you’re unsure about what that is, now is the time to focus on self-improvement. Understand your values and what you desire for yourself in alignment with those values.
Remember, not knowing what you truly want differs from having a deep understanding but feeling too guilty to accept it for whatever reasons. Recognize the difference.
If guilt is the issue, reflect on its origins. How does this guilt impact other areas of your life? Most importantly, is this guilt imposed by others, or are you imposing it on yourself?
Work on identifying the source of your feelings and start being truthful with yourself.
Is What You Want Truly Feasible?
Goals and desires vary in size. You shouldn't restrict yourself, but it's important to set realistic goals that are achievable for your current life stage.
Consider the steps necessary to move from your starting point to your endpoint. Not every goal can be achieved in one giant leap; it requires steps and time.
Focus on one step at a time, treating each as a mini-goal. You'll be amazed at how great you feel after completing 10 out of 15 mini-goals, rather than just seeing the large goal ahead and realizing you've been working hard without reaching the finish line yet.
Don't hesitate to improve by 1% each day or week, based on what you can manage at that moment. It's perfectly fine if some of us aren't able to begin a journey with full momentum.
The key is to begin from wherever you are and stop feeling guilty about not being at your full 100%. The important thing is that you're contributing something now that you weren't before, and that should be your focus.
Over time, even a 1% effort adds up significantly more than you might expect. You're conserving energy to get through the rest of your day or week.
What’s Scaring You From Doing It?
Sometimes it’s not about working on defining what we want but rather dissecting what’s keeping us from doing it. Personal dreams are tucked away a lot of the time because we’re scared. Because we have the potential to fail ourselves and others who are motivating us to be better in the first place.
Failing ourselves and others is an invitation towards resentment and feeling worthless.
Even though this is the ugly part of being real with yourself, it is a necessary evil. Really, it’s a blessing in disguise.
Learning about what is scaring you along the process gives you the ability to see personal weaknesses or discover fears from different angles that may be affecting you in other areas of your life.
No one likes to talk about fear. Fear is a weakness and you have to put yourself in a vulnerable state to acknowledge it. But vulnerability is very powerful in the sense that it opens up a new level of humbleness within you and elevates your personal integrity.
So, identify what scares you each step of the way and look into how you can go about moving through the fear. When you push past it, you will find a sense of relief on your shoulders and you will discover a new strength that you probably didn’t know you already had within you.
How To Define Failure And Success
Having engaged in shadow work by exploring the neglected darker aspects of yourself, it's important to clearly define what failure means at each stage of your journey.
This is crucial because we often perceive ourselves as failures without clearly defining what failure means to us. We understand failure as an emotion, but what does it specifically mean in the context of achieving that thing you desire? Similarly, what does success mean in the pursuit of that thing you’ve been wanting?
It is essential to clearly define what failure and success mean for each mini-goal. Our brains are intricate organs that influence how we interpret our thoughts and emotions. If you tend to underestimate yourself or your achievements, you might be minimizing a genuine accomplishment.
For every failure you encounter, there should be a corresponding success. Think about the concept of yin and yang. It's also important to ensure that both failure and success are measurable in relation to the effort you put in.
For instance, if you anticipate that your effort will fall within the 1 to 5 percent range, ensure that your failures and successes align with that level of effort. Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations.
Use this understanding to start feeling like a winner, you strong, confident individual.
Invest in yourself. You're worth it.
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