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It happens all the time although we never think (or hope) it'll happen to us. Ending or pausing a relationship can be traumatic enough to cause us to fall apart. Things you never anticipated to worry about are now at the top of your list: finance, where to live, figuring out how to prevent kids' heartbreak, and how much they will get from each parent.
Money, depending on who was the main provider at home, is always a huge gloomy cloud hovering over our heads and dynamics between friends and extended family can get rather awkward.
If you are like I was, your mind races with a million questions on who you are as an individual person, maybe you begin to have doubts about your sensuality, body positivity... and fixed thoughts on love life, feeling like a failure, and the questions go on and on ...and on. With constantly being on overdrive, your health and eating habits can take a toll.
However, ending relationships is a common life experience. While in the moment, it may not feel like you'll ever be okay again, I need you to know that many others have successfully healed from this type of grief. Ending a relationship with a partner or spouse is grieving process. While your partner may not have passed away, you have endured a loss and it is normal to feel grief on the life you once had.
You will hurt, and you will feel all the feelings.
But with time... you will get through it.
4 tips to Cope through Divorce and Move On as a Parent
Your relationship ending circumstances and grieving process doesn't look the same for everyone going through it. Allow yourself to process what you're going through and give yourself all of the time you need to move through it. What worked for one person may not work for you and that's ok.
It is also expected for you to feel lost and broken, all while trying to look fine on the outside for the sake of your kids. Go through the motions, allow yourself to be vulnerable even if it's in between moments throughout the day or while you're taking a hot shower.
As time goes by, you will be able to move on towards rediscovering yourself, what you stand for in the new stage in your life and what you want. Not all once and not in that specific order. But give yourself permission to learn and unlearn things about yourself along the way.
There is no one-size-fits-all process but do your very best to be gentle with yourself. Practice self-care, work on personal goals, or even learn to journal. Dedicating time to yourself and catering to your needs when no one else will is important to your success in moving forward. You show compassion towards yourself and practice self-love in moments when you'll need it the most.
4 tips to cope through divorce as parents:
Give yourself permission to grieve your loss and heal your heart
Declutter your house and your life
Co-Parent with your kids' best interest in mind, not your broken heart
Create a lifestyle you can afford
1. Cope through Grieve
Whether you were the one who made the decision to walk away from your relationship or vice versa, you're still losing a part of you. It's okay to feel a wide range of emotions, including loneliness, heartache, anger, confusion, doubts, anxiety, etc.
You'll have to adjust to a new lifestyle, where you'll need to figure out a new rhythm of how to go about your day, new ways of managing your kids and the new living environment that you will have moving forward.
For me personally, packing away my "home" and moving in with my parents along with my two little girls was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my marriage. Even when deep down, I knew it was the best decision for me and my girls, I still found myself in a dark place. My heart and body were in high stress and I was running on fumes from poor eating and lack of sleep. The first few months or year, from what I've gathered from myself and others, seems to be the hardest.
The hardest part of loss is sometimes not even about missing your partner. It's grieving the life you built as a family, the future you anticipated but will no longer have, how you envisioned raising your kids will no longer be, and the loss of how you used to identify yourself (wife, married, spouse, partner, girlfriend, stepmom, etc.).
When grieving, you will have to deal with not-so-great feelings when you least expect them. Sometimes things that you never thought would trigger emotional responses will. You will need to work through those triggers and allow yourself to be emotional in order to heal your heart. And yes.. this is easier said than done.
No one likes to feel sorrow and pain. But to heal your heart, you will have to give yourself permission to feel everything you don't want to feel. Unravel unapologetically. Allow yourself to not be okay. And take time.
Cry.
Punch.
Scream.
Cuss at the world.
Do what you have to do to process (mentally and emotionally) what you're going through. Consider seeking help through therapy. Therapy doesn't feel comfortable at first, especially if you've never done it or if you come from an upbringing where therapy is frown upon.
But it does pay off, especially if you need to process your thoughts and feelings out loud outside of family and friends. Processing your thoughts and feelings heals the heart. It will allow you to see different angles on why things didn't work out. It can also give you hindsight on things you may need to work on yourself.
When you work on yourself and you heal, you can rediscover yourself and build new relationships in the future. New relationships doesn't have to be romantics. A wounded heart can push away even platonic relationships.
If you can't afford therapy, get creative. Look for free online support groups and talk to people who you can relate. Don't be afraid to ask questions and participate in discussions that challenge your point of view. Give yourself the opportunity to grow from the inside out.
Look for blogs that are focused on separation and divorce. Go to Youtube and look for videos that are informational, relatable and inspirational. Resources are at your fingertips with the internet. Invest in yourself, you're worth it.
2. Declutter your house and life
You don't realize how many things you accumulate over time, especially as a couple. Many times during a break-up, separation or divorce, downsizing your home is a financial necessity But also, getting rid of things that once meant something (or still do for you but not your ex-partner) can be triggering.
In my personal journey, getting rid of things that no longer served a purpose for me was good for my soul.
Donate household goods, furniture, blankets, bedding, and clothes. Look for nearby thrift stores or drop off locations for Goodwill, Salvation Army, and shelters. You can even get a tax write-off for items that you donate.
If you have time, you can even consider selling some items that no longer serve you. This is a good idea if you find yourself in a situation where you may need a little more cash to get by during your transition. Sell your clothes, jewelry and even household electronics, if you have some high quality items that may have been gently used.
This is a good practice if you feel that specific items will leave a sour taste upon seeing or using them in the future (remember you're grieving). Just get rid of them and get rid of any negative energy that may come with them.
As I was packing up my household items to put everything in a storage, I donated half of my closet and children's belongings that no longer served us. It helped me downsize tremendously and, to be honest, it felt a bit therapeutic. It gave me a sense of control in my life when I couldn't control the outcome of my marriage.
There is also a sense of peacefulness when you consolidate your personal items in a way what remains is still enough for you at that moment in time.
3. Co-Parenting through Divorce with your kids' best interest in mind, not your broken heart
Despite where you're at in the break-up, separation or divorce, emotions are at an all-time high and you may be coping through some resentment as well. Remember to focus on co-parenting that is in the best interest of the children, not your broken heart.
Many times, we make reactive decisions without realizing that we're putting our kids in the middle of a crossfire that they didn't even ask for. Be mindful that just as you're going through grief and loss, so are they. Moreover, they may be experiencing trauma that developmentally, they don't have the cognitive ability to process.
Create a plan that works for the new relationship you have with your ex-partner. What does the future look like for this new relationship and co-parenting life?
If the ex-partner is seeking to remain active in the kids life, you'll have to figure out a way to remain civil and get along (somewhat)... for the sake of the children.
Figure out when and how your kids will spend time with each parent, depending on custody. What will weekdays look like? What will holidays look like? What are boundaries you're not willing to compromise on?
Engage in a civilized conversation about legal custody. What does that look like and how will it impact the child who'll have to endure it? Is the decision based on ego or in your child's best interest?
How will decisions be made regarding the children's child support, medical care, child care, school, travel, etc? How will both parents communicate to have an effective co-parenting structure? Will it be in person, via a phone or texting?
When kids are in between a break-up, separation or divorce, there are a lot of sensitive subjects that need to be ironed out. While you cannot control the reactive behavior of your ex-partner (if they are not civil on their end), you can still do your best to be civil for the sake of your children.
Look for resources to learn more about different issues that relate to custody and childcare in a co-parenting structures where two different households are involved. This is a very delicate process so don't be afraid to seek professional legal advice if needed. And don't feel guilty if you don't have all of the answers right away.
Regardless of how you choose to go about it, make sure to watch out for any red flags on any decisions that you are making. Ask yourself, were your decisions made to mend or retaliate against your broken heart? Or were your decisions truly in the best interest of the kids?
If you make decisions out of hurt or resentment, it will only hurt your kids in the long run. While it's never our intention to hurt our kids, sometimes our ego can get in the way when we're hurting ourselves and this can lead towards selfish actions.
4. Create a lifestyle you can afford
Your income and financial outlook will likely change. If you were financially dependent on your ex-partner at any level, downsizing and budgeting can help you stay on track. Get a smaller place to live. Stay with close relatives who have the space and want to open their doors to you. Or consider living with a respected roommate.
Less monthly expenses can help you get on track so that you can be more financially independent. Most importantly, figuring out a budget that reflects your true income and expenses will give you a realistic outlook on how you can fund your new life.
A tip about saving money is to avoid impulse shopping (I'm coming for myself on this one). If you're getting rid of things in your house to downsize, the last thing you need is to buy more unnecessary stuff as a temporary emotional bandaid.
While it may feel good in the moment to splurge, as harsh as this may sound, it's not going to keep tears from running down when the kids are asleep. Be intentional about your money.
Consult with a financial planner to learn more about how to best handle your funds, especially if you're getting alimony or any other income from your ex-partner. If you can't afford a financial planner, look for savvy budgeting techniques online. There are so many worksheets and material on budgeting, you just have to google it.
Don't get stuck on where you were in your relationship and focus on where you want to be on your own. Especially if you were a stay at home mom before the separation or divorce, you might be struggling with money and stressing out about how to make ends meet.
Keep going mama.
Look for resources that teach you on how to save money and invest. You don't need to feel confident about money to get started, you just need to position yourself to get educated more about money.
Will your life be better after moving on? Will you be happy?
That depends on your willingness to do the hard work of healing your heart. Only time will tell. There's emotional pain, trauma, loneliness, stress, as well as overcoming a state of mental and financial survival. This process is very personal and unique to every person going through it. But you're not alone, and you can push through it, mama. Just hang in there.